[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
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If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Planet of the Apps.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
giddy up Office Depot
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?