My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
ugh not again
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
bears
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”