*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR