Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
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I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B