Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.