[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?