Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
You Might Also Like
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Breaking news:
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”