When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan