Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
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I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t