I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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#NeverForget
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…