[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
*watches the world burn*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
What kind of a cult is this?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
A little too much information.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.