Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat