Does it…does it take 3 days
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Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Challenge accepted.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.