Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning