If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
In case you needed to hear it:
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*seductively corrects your posture*
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.