If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
You Might Also Like
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.