“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily