My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
become ungovernable
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?