Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
😂😂
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*