I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.