“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Yup!
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about