I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?