What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.