Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.