I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
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Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Teach your children to beatbox
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation