Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
How about daylight saves us for once
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”