Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
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I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.