Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…