Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.