11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
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called in thicc to work this morning
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
doing some research
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
OH. COME. ON.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night