No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”