Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
nature’s most graceful animal
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN