Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*