Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
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me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
is it earth
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.