i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
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[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Bros before Ohioes
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.