love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.