can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
#Caturday
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.