One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
the noise i just made
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
is this a threat