Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
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Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish