My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
This trial is so absurd 😭
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.