I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
True.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
hackers play passwordle
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?