My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok