inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I have a new favorite meme page
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.