The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
You Might Also Like
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Potatoes were such a good idea
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
When can I start eating bats again.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
these two trucks have the same bed length
house sitting!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!