GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
How to wake up a Beagle
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
can I use a minion as a tampon
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone