They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Twitter fine art
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”