[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
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I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
shut up and take my money
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check