As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
That 👊
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left