I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games