Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
me working on my assignments ^-^
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.